Finding Home
by FreeWrite
Summary: COMPLETE Sequel to Dead to Runaway: They say you can always go home again but it's not as easy as it looks...
1. Chapter 1

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Title: Finding Home

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Author: FreeWrite

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Disclaimer: I don't own BTVS they belong to Joss Whedon and Co, Law and Order: SVU belongs to Dick Wolf and Co. I'm just playing and will try to put them back where I got them from but I don't guarantee their condition when I put them back.

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Summary: They say you can always go home again but it's not as easy as it looks.

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AN: This is a sequel to Dead to Runaway'. Please read that first, trust me it'll be easier in the long run. I've included a quick summary just to catch you up on what has been happening.

After sending Angel to hell in Becoming Part 2' Buffy left Sunnydale, 6 years later she is living in New York never having returned to Sunnydale and never having picked up a weapon since then. December 2004 Spike finds Buffy working in a bar on the lower East side, he still blames her for Drusilla leaving him decides to punish her and starts leaving dead teenage girls for her to find. Enter the SVU squad, as their attempting to solve the case Buffy is drawn back into fighting the good fight. Eventually Buffy kills Spike but not before the SVU detectives see her fighting vampires and dusting Spike. Olivia convinces Buffy to go home and attempt reconciliation with Joyce. That is where we finished up.

To read the entire story please email me and I'll send you the link

A couple of things you need to know about my writing. 1) I don't write ship anymore, love reading it but have decided I don't want to write ship. 2) I write angst, pain and emotional suffering. 3) This focuses on Buffy and Olivia friendship. And 4) There is a small hint at a relationship between Alex and Olivia in this fic, but it's one section and never mentioned again

And now onto the story

Actually belay that first my quote for the week "Maybourne you're an idiot everyday of the week couldn't you take today off?" Major Samantha Carter — Stargate SG1 Episode Foothold'

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Chapter 1

Outside in the sun-warmed streets of Sunnydale Olivia Benson was wandering around unsure of what to do. She wasn't in any rush, Captain Cragen had given her the whole week off, not that he really had a choice, when she had told him what she had seen and been told, he had almost put her on stress leave, but she offered to take a vacation' instead.

She was about two blocks from the Gallery when she came across a small shop. The outside advertised it as The Magic Box', a moment of indecision later she purposely strode over to the door and pushed it open. The small area outside belied that actual size of the shop, for it was quite long and looked like it had multiple levels. At the cashier stand a young red headed woman sat, reading through some kind of book. If the rest of the contents of the shop were any indication then it would be something on magic or the occult.

Slowly making her way to the back of the shop, still not exactly sure why she had come in here, Olivia glanced over some of the product trying hard not to scoff at the absurdity of them. Even though she had never really given any credence to the supernatural, until she had met Buffy that is, it didn't mean that there was nothing there.

A soft English voice from behind her startled Olivia out of her thoughts.

"Is there anything I can help you with?"

Turning, she saw an older man, handsome and well dressed not at all looking like what she expected, but then Olivia should know that people rarely looked like you expected them to.

Opening her mouth she closed it again, not quite sure what to say, or even why she was here.

"I um" she faltered slightly "I saw your web site, the page on The Myth of the Slayer', and was in town with a friend and" she trailed off and shrugged slightly "I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing here really"

The man nodded and stepped forward, holding his hand out "Rupert Giles".

The shock on Olivia's face was evident as she recognized the name. He was one of the people Buffy had spoken of in the last few days.

"You're her Watcher," she whispered, only just loud enough for him to hear.

This time it was Giles turn to be startled as the red head behind the counter looked up from her book in interest.

"Pardon?" He asked his voice hoarse, but she could see the hope in his eyes. Hoping she was doing the right thing Olivia turned to walk out of the shop. As she got to the front door she turned around and looked directly at the man.

"She's at The Gallery, don't be to hard on her, she's punished herself worse than you ever could" Turning the door knob she walked back out into the sun and headed in back down the street.

Inside the Magic Box, Rupert Giles stood stunned, she couldn't mean Behind him Willow stood up shakily trying to find her voice.

"Giles" Her voice wavered slightly.

Before the young woman could say anything else he took off running, out the door and into the street headed for the Gallery. Willow was not far behind him, but she took the time to grab the keys and lock the door.

In the Gallery Joyce had still not let go of her daughter; she was too scared that Buffy would disappear again if she let go. Even the crash as Giles stopped dead inside the door and Willow ran into his back, did not relinquish her hold on Buffy. However it did get Buffy's attention.

Opening her eyes she swept her gaze over the room, her eyes finally coming to rest on the two people standing by the front doors, Giles had pulled his glasses off and was cleaning them, trying to make sure he was seeing correctly. Willow blinked several times and then rubbed her eyes, not quite believing that the girl who had been her best friend was finally back. Buffy pulled away from the comfort of her mother's arms she started to back away, shaking her head slightly.

Feeling a hand grasp her elbow Buffy turned her gaze towards her mother, what Joyce saw there shocked her more than her daughter's arrival.

Fear, pure fear.

What the girl was afraid of Joyce didn't know. Giles saw it and he knew he also knew she was getting ready to run again, he had trained her for long enough, to know when her flight response was about to kick in.

Forcing his face to relax into a smile he took a small step forward. "Buffy you're ho" Was as far as he got before she turned and fled through the back, in the hopes that Joyce hadn't changed anything there.

As she burst through the back door moments later, Buffy stopped and took a deep breath, and was about to try and find a way back to the car without being seen by anyone inside the Gallery when Olivia spoke up from her spot by the door.

"Going somewhere?"

Buffy turned to face the Detective her shoulders slumped and defeated "I can't I can't do this" she turned to walk out of the alley not caring who saw her anymore.

"So what?" Olivia followed her, not wanting to scare the blond anymore than she already was, but knowing that if she didn't face this now she never would "Your just going to run away, you turn up have a hug, then once it gets hard you run again? That's not the way it works and you know it. You're back in the fight; they won't let you walk away again. That's what you told me."

Neither of them heard Joyce, Giles and Willow come out the back door.

"Don't let the guilt over something you had no control of rule your life." She grabbed the slender blond by the upper arm "Anne, you were 17. What were you supposed to do?"

"Better" The word was so quiet, Olivia almost didn't hear it "I was supposed to be a better daughter," Buffy's voice got louder "be a better friend and be a better Slayer. That's what I was supposed to do" Buffy took a deep hitching breath. " And they're all better off without me around to screw up their lives." She turned and started walking away again.

"Why don't you let them decide that." Olivia took a deep breath and tried again "Don't let fear rule your life Anne. It's not worth it"

Halfway down the alley Buffy froze and without turning around she simply called out "and neither's watching the people you love die" Without another word she continued to walk away.

"Shit" Olivia ran a hand through her hair and kicked the wall for good measure.

"Thank you for trying" The emotion fogged voice of Joyce Summers rang out from behind the New Yorker.

Olivia jumped startled and immediately reached for her service pistol as she turned to face the three people behind her. Seeing the weapon come to bear they simultaneously stepped back and raised their hands in the universal sign of surrender.

Letting out a sigh of relief Olivia holstered her weapon.

"At least we know she's alive" Willow looked back and forth between the entrance to the ally and Olivia "I don't want to be rude or anything like that, cause you know, obviously you know Buffy and everything. She's back in town and we didn't even know that she was alive and you did, and now we do and I'm really happy that she's alive." Her bottom lip started to quiver slightly. "I'm sure everyone else is to, cause you know it's been 6 years since we've seen her or even heard from her, but but that's not the point" The red head tilted her head to the side slightly trying to gather her thoughts "Who are you?"

"Olivia Benson" she drew her eyebrows into a slight frown "You must be Willow, Anne Buffy" Olivia corrected herself "told me you tended to babble a bit"

Willows face lit up "She talked about us?"

All Olivia did was nod in response; her gaze was focused on Joyce Summers. The woman looked devastated, for a few minutes she'd been able to hold her daughter again, only to have her run off in fear.

"Where" Joyce swallowed hard trying to get her emotions under some semblance of control "where did you find her? Meet her?"

Olivia shuffled her feet uncomfortably; "I'm a Detective with NYPD. Buffy helped us out with a Vampire problem, it was the first time she picked up a weapon since she left here."

"Of course" Giles muttered under his breath "New York, she wouldn't be able to resist all those shoes"

The three women turned to look at him incredulously. "Sorry" he blushed darkly "did I say that aloud".

Olivia nodded, and bit down on her lower lip uncomfortable with the situation she now found herself in. "Mrs. Summers, your daughter has spent the last 6 years convincing herself that everything bad thing that happened to her friends and family was all her fault and no one else's." Joyce opened her mouth to say something but Olivia kept on talking "and while that may not be true, it's going to take a while for her to get over it" Olivia looked off in the direction Buffy had gone. "When something is you constant companion for such a long time" she blinked, memories of her own childhood guilt seeping through "it's hard to let it go"

Buffy didn't know exactly where she was going she was just running. Somewhere in the back of her mind it occurred to her that this was exactly what she was trying to stop doing, sometime she needed to stop running and she had thought that, that time would be now, but unfortunately here she was running again.

That is she was running until she ran into a solid male form.

Reaching down she immediately started to help the man up.

An easy grin passed over his face "Why thank you kind lady"

The smile dropped off Xander Harris' face as he took in the features of the diminutive blond standing in front of him.

"Buffy?"

With that, Buffy Summers Vampire Slayer's eyes rolled back into her head and she fainted.

Taking a hesitant step towards the detective, Giles reached out a hand and pointed to the bandage that still covered the wounds in Olivia's neck "When did this happen?"

Olivia's hand raised to cover her neck self consciously "A few days ago" she looked him directly in the eye "Spike decided I would make a good meal, that is before Buffy killed him"

"Spike's dead" Willow interjected "not undead dead but you know dead dead?"

Olivia nodded absently, watching the entrance of the alley, some part of her hoping that Buffy would come back, but knowing she wouldn't. The four of them stood there in silence none of the sure of what to say, through the silence the odd noise filtered through. A car driving past, a child yelling, a mother calling out, a phone ringing

The others turned to the source of the sound as Willow dug sheepishly into her pockets, trying to find the cell phone that was ringing.

Two blocks down the road at the Magic Box Xander Harris paced frantically, phone to his ear praying to whoever was listening that Willow would pick up. On the couch in front of him he had laid the unconscious blond, of whom he was sure was Buffy but why would she come back after all these years, after she had abandoned them left them to do her work.

What reason could possibly be good enough?

In spite of his inner ranting he did notice the dark circles under her eyes, the fading bruises on her face along with the new scar that lined her left cheek, the tear tracks down her face caught his attention more than anything.

She had been crying Xander had never seen Buffy cry before. She had always been brave Buffy, never give up Buffy, never go down without a fight Buffy, never say die Buffy until that night.

It had been months before they had learned the truth about what had happened after he had left the mansion with Giles.


	2. Chapter 2

Perfect Darkness: Emotion, Emotion, Emotion with just a bit of Angst thrown in to stop it from getting boring.

Cutiepie: No Dawn, I decided early on in the writing of Dead to Runaway' to skip the Glory/Dawn story line, that includes Joyce's brain tumor.

My next quote "Yes and I shall be wearing pink taffeta as chiffon does nothing for my complexion" — Giles, Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode The Prom'

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AN: Ok guys this is a very difficult story to write, I know authors constantly say that they love feedback, and I honestly do love it. Here's where you guys come in to help me. If you've picked up on an event between season 2 and 7 that I didn't touch on let me know and either I'll add it in or let you know why I'm not.

Also Angel went to LA Cordy met up with him there (like in cannon). I have made no decision on what has happened with Anya, Oz and Tara at this stage. Let me know what you think.

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Chapter 2

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October 1998

Sunnydale California

Exhausted was too weak a word for what Rupert Giles was feeling at the moment. Whilst Buffy had certainly been an energetic yet trying girl, this new Slayer was even more so, Faith his never been what he called unreliable but for her to not even show up tonight was odd and he was worried. He wearily forced himself out of the car and made his way towards his apartment, the sight that he was greeted with at his front door stopped him short.

There were four people outside his front door. One was on the ground the other three standing over whoever was on the ground each of them with a weapon in their hand pointing at them. Walking up to the group he managed to contain the gasp of surprise when he saw Angel sitting there calmly. Not saying anything, nor showing any emotion on his face.

"What are you doing here?"

"Looking for Buffy" Faith flinched as the name of one of her predecessors was mentioned.

Willow looked up at Giles confused "If she's not with Angel where is she" the red head turned to the Vampire "Where were you?"

The re-souled Vampire looked up at Willow the pain showing clearly in his eyes "Hell" they slid shut and then opened them again to stare at Giles. "We fought and then and then something happened and I was me again, the demon was pushed back but it was to late she sent me to hell"

Faith wasn't sure what to think about this vampire. She knew what he was but he didn't feel like it, she could sense his soul. Maybe that was what had drawn the infamous Buffy to this Vampire. Standing or sitting there was everything that she fought against and yet he wasn't quite.

It was confusing to say the least.

The Watcher stood there, not exactly sure of what to do next, for a moment he just stared down at Angel trying to discern whether he was telling the truth or not. The Vampire held his gaze unwaveringly. Finally Giles reached a hand out to Angel and hauled him to his feet; it was then that he noticed how thin the Vampire was, from what he knew of Hell dimensions the time moved much faster. Four months here could have been thousands of years there. Who knew what the souled Vampire had suffered and to still come out with his mind intact

It boggled the mind.

As Giles learned the truth about that night back in May he could finally begin to understand why his Slayer was gone.

He could only hope that one day she came back.

Finally the phone at the other end was picked up and Willow's voice echoed through the earpiece.

"Will's" he stopped and took a deep breath before starting his pacing again "I'm at The Magic Box there's a girl don't call me crazy but I think she's Buffy Willow Willow hello" but the only sound coming from the phone was then annoying beeping noise you got when someone hung up on you.

After hearing Xander's words Willow turned her phone off and ran out of the alley calling over her shoulder "Xander found her at the Magic Box" she didn't have to look to know that Giles and Joyce were following her.

Olivia however didn't run, she walked, knowing that this was something that Buffy had to finish herself. Stopping at the coffee shop she ordered a Grande Latte with a shot of Irish cream and sat down to wait it out. She figured that Sunnydale was a small enough town that it would be easy to find them later.

Joyce, Giles and Willow burst through the door's of the Magic Box looking wildly around for Xander and Buffy. The back door to the training area that Faith used opened quietly and Xander stepped out, looking far older and wiser than his age dictated.

Sunnydale, California

January 1999

Angel looked hard at the young man standing in front of him. Anger clear in his eyes, Angel knew there was one thing he could say to make the boy understand, but it was the last thing he wanted to say and Xander was refusing to listen to anything else.

"Would you kill Willow to save the world?"

The Vampire watched as understanding washed over Xander, the young man's shoulders slumped and he closed his eyes at even the thought of losing his best friend.

"No"

"Then you will never truly understand why Buffy ran"

Three months later they had to make a choice. Willow or the box of Gavrox.

They chose Willow

"She's on the couch. We literally ran into each other and she kinda passed out" The contrite and confused look that Xander was giving the three of them cleared Xander from any blame as to the condition of their prodigal friend and daughter.

Joyce pushed passed him and moved to open the door with Willow and Giles following but turned and glared at the two of them so fiercely that they took a step back "It was going fine until you two showed up. Stay away until she comes to you."

The two of them backed away and let Joyce go through the door by herself and just hoped that they would once again have their friend and slayer back.

Closing the door quietly behind her Joyce just stood there and stared at her daughter, little things that she hadn't noticed in the Gallery seemed to jump out at her now. The bruises, extra scars, the exhaustion but the thing that Joyce noticed most of all was the sadness.

The mother watched as her daughter's lips moved slightly and her eyes crinkled round the edges as Buffy slept.

She was dreaming. Joyce had watched her sleep so often and some things never changed no matter how many years had passed.

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New York

8th December 2004

It was not a pleasant sight or smell that greeted Anne as she pushed the door to the abandoned warehouse open. She had found this place last night, but it had been crawling with vamps, so she decided to come back the next morning thinking that maybe it was a nest.

Maybe she would find what she was looking for.

But she didn't.

Standing in the middle of the empty building, well not quite empty, there was something or someone there she just had to find them or it.

Closing her eyes she inhaled the air around her and nearly gagged at its putrescence she knew that smell, and knew it well. It was the smell of death, it was what Spike and Dru's warehouse had smelled like. It was what the mansion had smelled like.

Death and human flesh.

She hated that smell; it reminded her of everything she wanted to forget. It reminded her of the person she didn't want to be.

It reminded her of herself.

Looking around the dim light of the early winter day filtered through the high windows and in the corner something caught her eye. Something flashed gold warily stepping forward she kept her eyes trained on the object and as she got closer Anne saw that the object was attached to an ankle. She could now make out a thin gold anklet, there was nothing remarkable about the anklet it was just a simple gold chain. However the body it was attached to

To her eyes it was the body of a child 14 maybe 15 years old, but no child's body should look like it did. A deep red brown pool stained the ground around the girl, she was naked bruises and bite marks marred the body. Just like the other girls, whose bodies Buffy had found she was dead and by the looks of it this was the body she was meant to find tomorrow, each day she found another one and each day it got worse. As she stood over the dead girl she could feel the nausea rise up at the sight of the jagged E carved into her back.

Not wanting to see anymore, Anne turned a walked out of the warehouse and down the block, turning her face up to the sun she forced her eye's to stay open and let the bright sunlight burn its image into her retina. Maybe even burn her ability to see away.

Sometimes seeing was torture enough.

She wished it to all stop, that it would all go away and she could live the rest of her life without knowing what was happening out here.

She feigned ignorance, and whoever said that ignorance is bliss was stupid or insane, either way they were wrong.

Ignorance is the worst thing in the world.

Joyce flinched slightly as her daughter called out in her sleep

"NO"

She took a step forward

"Not again"

Joyce kept moving

"I won't"

Drawn inexorably towards her daughter, she couldn't stop the tears springing to her eyes as she watched the plethora of emotions running over Buffy's face.

Fear

Despair

Sadness

Anger

Hate

But then

Hope

Joyce now stood next to the couch staring down at her only child, the need to have Buffy back in her arms overwhelming her. Turning slightly she sat down on the couch next to Buffy and reached a hand over to lightly push the blond strands of hair away from the young woman's face and tucked safely behind her ear.

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"What do you think has been going on for the last two years? How many time have you washed blood out of my clothes and you still don't get it"

"Buffy this is insanity you need help"

"I'm not crazy Mom"

No her daughter wasn't crazy, but she was gone and now that Joyce had Buffy back she wasn't going to let go, even if it meant following her across the country. No way was she going to let her little girl go again.

Joyce watched mesmerized, her lower lip starting to tremble, as Buffy's eyelids started to flutter lightly, she didn't move, just waited for her daughter to open her eyes. A light moan sounded in the room and Buffy snuggled closer to her mother causing Joyce to sob, at the sudden sound Buffy's eyes flew open and adrenaline flowed freely through her body.

Before Buffy could actually move Joyce grabbed her by the shoulders in an attempt to hold her where she was, the blond looked wildly around the room before her eyes settled on her mother. As she opened her mouth to speak Joyce let go of one shoulder and placed a finger over Buffy's lips and spoke before Buffy had a chance to.

"You listen to me" Joyce whispered holding Buffy's gaze "It doesn't matter, not anymore" she removed her finger from Buffy's lips "It's not your fault, and I still love you"

Buffy tried to tear her gaze away from her mothers but couldn't, her eyes slid shut once twice tears welled and overflowed as Joyce pulled her into another tight embrace.

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"Make a wish!"

"I think I'm just going to let it burn"

Slowly Buffy wrapped her arms around her mother's waist, but after a few minutes she pulled back again.

"You probably have a lot of questions" she gave a water smile.

"Some" Joyce patted Buffy on the thigh getting her to move "I mean, you go missing for six years" Joyce settled back against the couch "It would be nice to know what you were up to in that time"

"Well" Buffy leaned back against the armrest of the couch wrapping both arms around her knees wincing slightly when the movement tugged at the stitches in her chest "I'm not married, I don't have any kids, I work in a bar and I'm going to NYU as a psych major. I graduate next May"

Joyce looked down at her hands fiddling with the rings that adorned her fingers "You're not staying then"

"Maybe one day" Buffy shrugged, trying to keep her voice indifferent. "But not yet."

Silence descended over the room, and for the first time Buffy took a moment to really look around. On the surface it was a training room, pommel horse, punching bag, weapons hanging up on the wall. Dummy and targets were carefully scattered about the room.

It was then that it hit Buffy this was her training room.

Kendra's replacement.

If the girl had survived that long than she was a better slayer than either her or Kendra had ever been. Buffy had lasted 2 years before she died Kendra only 1.

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Silver Springs, Maryland

March 1999

The 18-year-old blond winced as she felt yet another palm connecting with her rear end. She hated working in these roadside diners, the money wasn't the best but she needed to live somehow.

Pushing down the urge to flatten him she turned round and offered a coy smile at the group of men sitting around the table.

"What can I get you boys?"

She may have sent Angel to hell, but she was living in hell on earth.

The front door to the Magic Box crashed open, startling each of the current occupants out of their serious thoughts.

Seeing their long faces Faith let an easy grin slide across her face. "Who died?" taking a second glance at them, and seeing the anger and resentment simmering just below the surface of Xander's face, the confusion of Willow's and the hope shining in Giles' entire face Faith came to the only conclusion she could.

"She's back isn't she?"


	3. Chapter 3

Maineiac: The further into the story I go the more background that will appear, but only to compliment the current situation of the story.

Perfect Darkness: I'm trying to only add past parts in order to add depth to their present feelings and reactions.

War: Nope I have no plans to have Dawn in this story, but that may change as I write it.

Spacey: I like doing the unexpected.

What can I say, I have a bazillion quotes stored away

"Ah he's good, I've only met him once and the only time I talk to him is when I'm calling to cancel" Olivia Benson Law and Order SVU.

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Chapter 3

Giles lifted his gaze and met Faith's head on, not wanting to lie to her on this occasion. After her cruciamentum it had taken over a year to rebuild the trust between them, even now, Faith didn't trust him fully.

He could understand why.

"It would seem so" neither of them had to say her name. In fact the two of them never said her name aloud to each other, never spoke of her in each other's presence.

They had found out very quickly that for Giles it hurt too much and for Faith it was a reminder of how hard a life she was in for, she was living.

Faith turned to Xander, the young mans head had dropped into his hands, as he sat at the round table towards the back of the shop.

"Does she need a smack down?"

A muffled voice resonated from the man at the table "That's yet to be decided" Xander lifted his head up and met Faith's gaze. "I don't think"

"Xander" Willow interrupted "We don't know what happened."

"Because she decided that she didn't want to fight the good fight anymore." He stood abruptly and knocked his chair over.

It was an old argument, one they had been having for years.

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Sunnydale, California

October 1998

It seemed that some habits never changed, Angel stood in the corner, as though trying to blend into the wall and be unseen. His gaze was concentrated on the darkness outside. Over by the archway that lead to the kitchen and bathroom Faith stood weapon cradled in her hand just in case, sitting together at the dining room table. Willow and Xander were alternately glaring at the Vampire and at Giles, who was sitting on the couch cup of tea in hand his eyes never leaving the re-souled vampire.

"It was a fight to the death, we both knew it"

His quiet voice startled them all, Willow's gaze turned from angry to confused.

"Xander told Buffy about the spell. Why didn't she just try to I don't know keep you occupied?"

Xander averted his eye's looking everywhere but at Willow.

Angel moved his piercing gaze from the darkness to the redhead "She didn't know. The look on her face" he trailed off, his eye's slid closed and then opened again a moment later "She was crying, she told me she loved me" his voice dropped to a haunted whisper "but it was to late, Alcathla was awake. She told me to close my eyes."

" I did." He did.

"We kissed." He could almost taste her on his lips.

"She ran me through with the sword" he still bore the scar

"I was taken to hell as the vortex closed" he would never forget his time down there. He wished it on no one.

A lone tear found it's way down Willow's cheek, as her lower lip trembled. She turned to face her best friend.

"You didn't tell her" She accused quietly. "If she'd known about the spell, maybe none of this would have happened" She stood up slowly "All this time you've been blaming her, blaming Angel for her leaving. You could've stopped it." Willow took a deep hitching breath staring angrily down at Xander "They're trying the spell again.' That's all you had to say" She stepped away and picked up her bag "You probably said something like Willow said kick his arse'" Seeing the regret in his eye's she shook her head and walked towards the door. "You can't blame any one person for what happened Xander. Stop blaming everyone else and admit that maybe you played a part in it to."

She opened the door "It's called life, and it sucks. You can't blame anyone for the suckiness of it, it just is"

She walked out.

Unable to take the silence any longer Willow stood and picked up her things.

"If Buffy wants to talk to me tell her where I am, give her my new number or something" She looked down at her hands "but she has to want to see me" then back up at Giles "I won't force her to see me if she doesn't want to"

She walked towards the front door and nearly winced as the familiar jangle sounded throughout the oppressive silence that had covered the room.

Yes the first few months had been tough, without a slayer to guard the Hellmouth but once Faith had turned up things had settled down slightly. The four of them no longer had to worry about patrolling, much to Giles' relief, in fact when Faith had first taken over the Hellmouth's guardianship she had refused to let them patrol with her. It was only when Angel had showed up again and started helping out she realised that they went out anyway. As usual Xander had said it best in his round a bout way I don't do denial' but after awhile it didn't mean much without Buffy there. Something was missing, or rather someone was.

Now Willow was trying to reconcile the fact that Buffy was back in their lives with the deep misgivings that were lurking in the pit of her stomach about letting her get close again.

Stopping at the coffee stand Willow did something she knew she would regret later but she also knew it was necessary.

She got a double shot mocha.

There was something calming and idyllic about this town. Olivia didn't know whether it was the sun, the fact that no one was rushing around. Everyone seemed to be quite content to meander through the day, even this close to Christmas.

You didn't see that in New York. Ever

Olivia didn't know if she could ever live in a small town like this. Not after spending her entire life in the hustle and bustle of New York.

She was a city girl.

Off in the distance she smiled as she watched as a group of kids ran around kicking a soccer ball between them. It wasn't often you got to see such carefree innocence anymore.

The harsh ringing of her cell phone interrupted her reverie, pulling it out she glanced down at the caller ID and shook her head in slight bewilderment as the word Elliot Hme' flashed.

Ignoring the temptation the hit the clear button and turn the phone off Olivia sighed and flipped it open. Bringing it up to her ear she rolled her eyes as she answered.

"Benson"

On the other end she heard muffled voices for a moment before a female voice cut in.

"Olivia, it's Kathy Stabler here."

Olivia sat up startled, Elliot checking on her she expected, but Kathy they rarely saw each other and usually Elliot played messenger

"Kathy, what can I do for you?"

On the other end Kathy glared at her chicken husband who knew that Olivia would disembowel him if she thought he was checking up on her.

"Did Elliot invite you over for Christmas dinner?"

"No" Olivia chuckled lightly "I think he forgot to do that" scanning the horizon out of habit more than anything Olivia noticed a petite red head walking towards her.

"Well then I'm officially inviting you two over for Christmas dinner."

The red head was getting closer now "I'm in California at the moment, but let me talk to Alex and I'll call you back"

She recognised the red head now as Willow who she had met earlier out the back of the Gallery.

"Kathy I've got to go, I'll call you tomorrow after talking to Alex" Without waiting for a reply Olivia flipped the phone closed as the young woman flopped down on the park bench beside her. Without waiting for Olivia to greet her, the red head jumped slightly and whipped around to face Olivia

"I'm not angry, I don't hate her. I know I should but for some reason I can't find it in me to hate her" one of Willow's hands flew up and gestured wildly while the other still held the mocha "She just took off, without a word to us. Only the letter to her Mom" she stood up and started pacing in front of the New Yorker. "When I found out what had happened that night I can almost understand why she took off" She stopped pacing and faced Olivia, one palm held upwards, still clutching the mocha in her other, as though it were a lifeline "but why come back after all these years? Did she miss us? Miss her Mom? What am I supposed to say to her"

Olivia waited a few moments to make sure Willow was finished, uncrossing her legs, Olivia planted both feet flat on the ground, leaning forward to rest her elbows on her knees. Turning her eyes up to look at Willow directly.

"Listen to what she has to say and tell her the truth" Olivia sighed as Willow's lower lip started to quiver "Buffy is under no illusions that she is going to find forgiveness here" she paused and took a deep breath "but she does need closure"

The tall brunette stood and planted a hand on each shoulder "and maybe you do to"

__

Omaha, Nebraska

May 1999

They had graduated yesterday.

How did she know this? She had been walking back to her flat this evening after work when the newspaper headlines had caught her eye.

Sunnydale had finally made it into the public eye. On the surface it looked like an accidental tragedy, gas leak in the basement turned deadly, but she knew the truth. It had to be them; whatever was going on down there was bad enough to warrant this action. She had bought the paper and gone home before reading the article.

The media said the library was the first to go. That only gave more credence to her theory that they were involved somehow. Over 50 people had died or gone missing, in the chaos that apparently ensued both before and after the explosion.

She hoped none of them were in that number.

For the next few day's she kept her eye on the papers, trying to find out who had died and who had survived. Finally she found them.

Cordelia Chase

Rupert Giles

Alexander Harris

Daniel Osbourne

Willow Rosenberg

They survived.

She didn't know whether she was happy they had survived or sad that even without her there they were still in danger.

Sunnydale, California

May 1999

Willow Rosenberg stood staring at the tower of flame that had once been Sunnydale high school. Oz walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. He knew what she was thinking. She had thought it everyday for the past year.

Buffy should be here

"Does her Mom know?" Faith was first to break the silence that had descended over the shop since Willow had walked out. "That's she's back I mean"

Giles turned his face towards the dark girl "Yes, she and Joyce are talking now" he paused momentarily "well I assume they're talking" they hadn't been able to hear anything from the back room as of yet.

__

Cleveland, Ohio

August 1998

After spending 8 hours in a cramped greyhound seat the only thing Faith needed was to get out into the night. It didn't matter what she did as long as she got outside. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed a blond girl, a year maybe two older than herself. The girl was staring at her, as though she knew exactly who Faith was, what she did.

I was unnerving to say the least.

As their eye's met something tingled up the back of Faith's spine, a feeling that she should know this girl. A feeling that this girl was a kindred spirit.

Breaking eye contact, not wanting to know where that feeling came from, Faith turned away and walked out the front doors of the bus station. She had heard that there was vampire activity in the Cleveland area, but was yet to see any but then again the bus station probably wasn't the best place to locate vamps.

Not far down the road, Faith felt a by now familiar cramping in her lower stomach, pausing she took a deep breath before lashing out with her left arm. Grabbing her stake with her right. Without hesitation she embedded it deep in the vampires chest and grinned as it turned to dust.

She knew the other girl had followed her, was watching

Faith was about to turn around and say something when the girl walked away.

She found out later, that the girl had been Buffy the Vampire Slayer

She never told anyone in Sunnydale who she had seen. Faith knew what it was like to need to disappear.

"Did you mean what you said in the letter?" Joyce asked unsure of whether she wanted to know the answer or not.

"Yes" Buffy averted her eyes, refusing to look at her mother, in case her fears became a reality.

"You are my daughter Buffy" Joyce gently placed a hand under Buffy's chin and lifted her face up forcing the blond to look at her. "That comes first. That first summer after you left, in between trips away looking for you, Mr Giles spent a lot of time with me, it took a while to accept that you had, had this whole other life that I wasn't apart of but I did. I love you Buffy and I knew you'd come back one day"

__

Mom,

I'm sorry. I wish I could be what you want me to be, a great student, a star athlete, remotely normal but I'm not. You deserve better, I tried my best for everyone but it wasn't good enough. So much has happened that you don't know about, that I can't tell you. I wish I could.

I'm not crazy, I know I'm not, I just wish you did to. I can't be the person you want me to be, not now, maybe not ever. For once I'm doing what you ask me to. I'm not coming back.

Take care, and don't invite anyone in at night.

Buffy

****

End AN: As far as I know we were never told what the note Buffy wrote to Joyce at the end of Becoming II' contained so I made it up.


	4. Chapter 4

****

AN: Sorry it's taken so long to get this chapter out but RL has been phenomenally bad these last few weeks and I've been away for the last week and haven't had a chance to write a single thing. I go away again tomorrow but will be taking my laptop with me and will hopefully get quite a bit written (last week was work this week is holiday yay)

War: Looks and words can be deceiving. I know I've set up Xander in a certain way but remember still waters flow deep.

Cutiepie: Would you believe I never even thought about going this far into the story. I intended to end it in New York and leave the rest to your imagination's but muse just kept on yapping away in my head and I couldn't stop writing.

Just so you know a fuck-buddy is someone you have sex with on a regular basis with that being the entire extent of your relationship.

And people wondered why I never did well at school; I filled my brain with useless information

Quote 4: "How do you feel?" "Slightly ill" "That's a good sign" Lieutenant Colonel Sarah Mackenzie and Lieutenant Bud Roberts - JAG

****

Chapter 4

Olivia felt like an intruder. While the house itself was beautiful and well kept it felt as though it hadn't been lived in for a time. It had been occupied but not truly lived in. She could almost guess when this had stopped being a home and started being merely a house.

She had offered to get a hotel room, but Joyce would hear nothing of it. She was a stubborn woman, just like her daughter.

At the moment it was just the two of them alone in the house together, sitting silently in the kitchen sipping coffee while Buffy had gone to meet with her watcher.

It was an uncomfortable silence; neither of them knew what to say to the other. Finally after watching the Detective out of the corner of her eyes for a few minutes Joyce lowered her cup and opened her mouth to speak but found she didn't know exactly what she wanted to say.

"I" she started but dropped off again, the words lost.

__

"I left everything the same. I always hoped that you would come back"

"Buffy, was never an easy girl to love" Joyce tried again "Especially those last few years and after we came to Sunnydale. She was always in trouble" She trailed off and looked openly up at Olivia. "But I never stopped loving her, even when I was angry as all hell at her. I never realised exactly how hard it was until her 17th birthday, she asked about getting her license and I couldn't help but wonder"

__

"So what did you do for your birthday"

"I got older"

She lifted the coffee cup up to her lips and took a long sip before continuing

"When did she grow up? Did I miss it? Was there something I could have done?" Joyce closed her eyes letting the memories swim through her head, trying to pin point the exact moment she had lost her daughter.

Carefully placing her cup down in the bench in front of her Olivia sighed, when she had agreed to come to Sunnydale with Buffy she didn't think that it would be her that Buffy's friends and family would ask how to deal with the situation.

"I don't know what you want me to say Mrs. Summers. I'm mostly single, I spend more time at work than I do at home and I've never had any children. I doubt that I ever will."

Joyce opened her eyes and stared at the New Yorker. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you live like that?" Joyce was confused; from what she'd seen of Olivia Benson so far she was a very warm and loving woman. "I mean, why would you want to?"

Pushing herself upright Olivia thought for a moment, what could she tell this woman? What should she tell this woman?

"I see the worst humanity has to offer. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of throwing it all in, but then" she paused trying to gather her thoughts "I have to wonder who else would be willing to do what I do." Her eyes met Joyce's "No one else wants to no one else can, and I wouldn't wish what I've seen on anyone"

As Joyce let Olivia's words sink in her lower lip started to quiver "She wanted to protect me" she whispered to herself more than anything "She didn't wish her life on anyone and the only way she knew how was to pull away"

"I didn't lose her"

__

"I tried to protect them, stop them from being there being involved but it didn't work. At first I hated it but after awhile I accepted it, even welcomed it sometimes."

Buffy took a deep breath. She hated flying it didn't feel natural.

"After Miss Calender died it hit me how easily it could have been any of them. Angel was out there, watching waiting"

Breathe in through the nose out through the mouth

"Wanting me to suffereither directly from him or through them"

"It was the day after her 17th birthday. We sat on the couch and watched old movies the entire day. I lit a candle, she didn't blow it out but let it burn down"

__

"They were all hurt so badly"

"She wouldn't let me move"

__

"Not just physically but emotionally. I couldn't do that to them again"

"She did something she hadn't done since she was a little girl"

__

"There was nothing I could do to make it better"

"She lay down and clung to me."

__

"They deserved a chance to live, they had a chance to live normal lives. Without the danger and the hurt"

"Like I was her lifeline"

__

"I was their ticket to death but they were my lifeline"

Giles sat quietly, waiting in the sun-drenched area of the Richard Wilkin's Memorial Park waiting for Buffy to show up. He knew that she had spent the previous night at her mother's house, in an attempt at reconciliation.

What did she have to say for herself? Would she try and give excuses? Try to lie to him or tell him what he wanted to hear?

What did he want to hear?

He was sure that she had quite the story to tell, but did he want to hear it? He was apprehensive about facing his first Slayer again, once he had gotten over the shock of first hearing that she was back and seeing her again it seemed that the mind numbing fear had decided to set in. Did he really want to know what she had been doing, what she had been thinking that morning the morning she left.

Up until then it had been unheard of for a Slayer to abandon her duty. They had turned their backs on The Council and struck out on their own before but to completely turn her back on her destiny her Calling.

He was surprised that The Powers That Be had let her live. They were not known for their benevolence.

Soft footfalls from behind did not escape his hearing, how easily something's came back; even now he recognised her footsteps. They stopped a few meters behind him he knew that she was watching him, may even be waiting for him to make the first move, but he wouldn't.

It was up to her.

The seconds ticked by as each appeared to be trying to get the other to speak first, but he was infinitely more patient the she was, always had been. Most probably always would be.

She started to walk again and in mere moments was siting on the park bench beside him. Out of the corner of his eye Giles watched as she eased herself down and winced slightly.

Still neither of them spoke.

__

Oakland, California

July 1998

Giles sat in yet another cheap motel, after following yet another useless lead.

He knew that he would have to stop this soon, he couldn't follow every single lead. Go to every city that had a report of a girl fighting monsters.

No one had seen her. He doubted anyone ever would. She was a highly resourceful girl who could remain in hiding indefinitely if she chose to.

While he knew and accepted this he knew that the others did not. Joyce, Willow, Xander even Oz and Cordelia to an extent all hoped that one day he would find her and bring her home.

But he knew he knew that she would be found when she wanted to be found.

"I was scared" she finally spoke "I still am"

He remained silent knowing that she needed to speak first, speak openly before she would listen to anything he had to say.

"It was a cowardly thing to do. Just leave like that, but at the time" Buffy took a deep breath and focused on the tree line that met the horizon in the distance "at the time it was what I thought needed to do had to do. I thought everyone else would be better off with me gone and the longer I stayed away the more convinced I became that it was true." For the first time she turned to look at him sunglasses firmly in place stopping him from looking her in the eyes. He found it disconcerting; her eyes had always given away what she was feeling. She must have known that, otherwise she would have taken them off by now.

Her emotions were one of her strengths.

"Have you ever wanted to do something so much. Your entire being is crying out for you to do it, to just let go and follow everything your heart is telling you" she took a deep hitching breath. He could see her hands shaking "but there's this tiny little voice in the back of your mind whispering constantly that if you do it you'll regret it."

Her left hand raised to her head and removed the sunglasses, just in time for him to see a lone tear spill over her lower lids and slip down her face.

"I finally stopped listening to the whispers and did what my heart told me to."

She turned her entire upper body to face him.

"If you tell me to I'll leave you alone, you'll never see me again." She left the rest of the question hanging in the air not wanting, perhaps not able to finish it.

"Life is a funny thing" Giles started speaking to her for the first time in 6 years "you can't predict it. You certainly can't explain it, I guess you just have to take every blow as it come and do your best" his eyes remained on the horizon - if he closed his them he was sure that he would still know what the exact outline of the trees looked liked. "I know what it's like to have loose faith in everything you ever held true. To lose faith in yourself"

__

"Does it ever get easier?"

__

"You mean life?"

"Yeah. Does it get easy"

"What do you want me to say to you"

"Lie to me"

"I won't lie to you" he wouldn't look at her, not yet he couldn't "it hurt, that you left the way you did, but I understood that you needed to be gone." He shifted his gaze slightly to the left.

Away from her.

"I guess that I also understand why you stayed away so long" he turned his entire head to the right really looking at her for the first time in over six years.

He didn't like what he saw. In a way he still thought of her as the scared 16-year-old who threw a priceless manuscript at him in a fit of fear.

It was disconcerting to see such aged wisdom in what to his memory was a young woman whose seemingly carefree innocence he had come to rely on, even if it had only been the memory of it he had relied on since she left.

"What I don't understand is why you've come back?"

She looked him directly in the eyes her gaze not wavering.

"I'm not sure why I came back either"

He really did understand.

------

"Come on Xan-man" Faith was tired of the angry moping act that the young man had been putting on since the previous morning "go see Anya, how long has it been since her last orgasm and you look like you could use a screw"

Xander's head raised slowly but avoided looking up at the brunette Slayer who was currently sitting on the round table that was the centerpiece of the Magic Box.

He didn't move to get up or say anything to Faith but just stared straight ahead at the giant Troll Hammer that was sitting there.

"Dude it's been 6 years" Faith stated "You can't be angry at her for the rest of your life" The two of them had spent many nights talking after Willow and Oz had gone to collage. That was before Anya had coma back and asked Xander to be her fuck-buddy. On one of their more raucous jaunts that involved a bottle of Jack Daniels Faith had managed to acquire she had finally gotten him to talk about why he'd lied to Buffy that night.

__

"He didn't deserve her, he didn't deserve the second chance they wanted to give him. I thought I was doing her a favor, by not telling, I thought I was doing the right thing. I figured after she kicked his arse she'd come back to the hospital, we'd comfort her, take her back to her Mom's. I knew she'd be hurt, that she'd need someoneneed us, but I didn't know about the fight with her Mom. I didn't know she'd been expelled and I didn't believe that the spell would work"

He took a deep hitching breath, willing with all his being that the tears wouldn't fall.

"I thought I was doing the right thing. Doing her a favor"

"I was wrong"

"I'm not" Faith almost didn't hear that raspy whisper that flowed out of Xander's mouth.

"Angry" he stood up and started pacing the room like a caged animal.

"I'm scared," he finally admitted.

Faith didn't say anything but waited for him to continue.

"What am I supposed to say to her? _Hey there Buff, long time no see. Oh and sorry about lying to you and forcing you to send the man you loved to HELL"_ he stopped pacing and turned to look at Faith his eyes searching for answers that weren't there.

She was just about to reply when a voice from the front door interrupted.

"Well that's a start to a conversation that neither of us are really looking forward to" Buffy Summers stood there arms hanging limply by her side her face schooled, set and emotionless.


	5. Chapter 5

Farieangel: The conversation between Buffy and Xander? What conversation all they're going to do is yell scream and blame each other for everything bad that has ever happened to them g . Joke, let me know if there should be more of a resolution, I don't think they need to say much more to each other at this point.

Perfect Darkness: I had a look at that website. Thanks for the feedback, it's always good to get critical feedback on things like formatting and style. Every little bit helps to improve my writing. It's hard to change the way you write especially if that is the style that you find easiest to write in. I'll try to make it better but can't guarantee anything.

Quote 5, you know something guys, I really should get a life.

"Donkey, you have the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity!" Shrek: Shrek 2

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Chapter 5

"Tell me about her?"

Willow turned to look at her girlfriend with wide eyes. Tara had never asked about Buffy before, it was almost like the blond Wiccan understood that it was taboo to talk about the Slayer if you hadn't met her. It had been tough for Tara at first, initially trying to get to know Willow but then when she was introduced to Xander, Giles and Faith it had brought along a whole nother level of difficulty. They were a close knit group and didn't let anyone else in easily.

They had eventually let her in, but not before she had proved herself to the group. Although at times she still felt like an interloper. None of them trusted easily anymore, they had been burned to many times. But now with Buffy's return maybe it was time to let go a little. Time to open up again.

Willow's face relaxed into a bittersweet smile.

"She saw me"

__

"Let's try this again. Hi I'm Buffy"

---- ---

"I was wondering when you'd get to me" Xander closed his eye's and took a deep breath "I figured you'd go and see Will's first"

Buffy took a tentative step forward and absorbed her surroundings; she could feel the magic pulsing throughout the shop. Looking to either side at first glance it was your typical Californian occult shop with incense, crystals and books on mysticism and self-discovery. However she knew there was a deeper underlining current of power that made this shop anything but typical.

The new-agers may come here but it was also the place where you'd go if you were serious about the mystical mythical and supernatural.

"Why did you tell me to kick his ass when you knew about the spell?" She ignored his question

Xander opened his mouth to retort but was cut off by Buffy raising her hand at the elbow palm forwards in the universal shut up gesture.

"Actually never mind. I honestly don't care anymore." Whilst her words could be construed as harsh they were anything but, her voice was low and had a weary quality about it. She took several more steps inside the shop and her eyes immediately adjusted to the darkness.

"Let me say this. It hurt that you didn't trust me but I got over that a long time ago. It's a big bad world out there" she crossed her arms over her chest and took another two steps closer "there's more out there than Sunnydale and it's Hellmouth with the demon of the week. It took me coming back here to realise that that" her voice dropped lower and Buffy let her eyes slide shut for a second before catching the young mans gaze. "I found myself by leaving everything else behind" She lifted her chin slightly. "After hiding for a year I discovered who Buffy could be without being the Vampire Slayer"

She cocked her head to the side slightly "Have you found yourself yet?"

She turned and walked back up the few steps and towards the door when his quiet voice and low words stopped her short.

"He's alive, living well I guess it would be un-living, in LA"

She turned slowly. First her head then shoulders as the finely sculptured eyebrows rose towards blond hairline. Hazel eyes widened in shock as her mouth opened but no sound came out. She reached out and grabbed onto the handle of the door when her knees threatened to give out on her.

"He just appeared one night, first thing he did was look for you" Xander shook his head slightly still unable to grasp the relationship between the Slayer and Vampire "All he could think of doing was to try and make amends"

He took a small step towards her hoping that she wouldn't back away "He's still trying to make amends"

__

Sunnydale California

May 1999

"I'll be leaving when this is over"

Willow looked up at the re-souled Vampire, not exactly sure what he was expecting to hear.

"Why?" it was the only thing she could think to say.

"Sunnydale is well protected. Faith can take care of it, she has you guys but there's a whole world out there that needs protecting"

Willow nodded and looked out of the corner of her eye at Xander who she knew was listening and would no doubt have a snide remark if he were invited into the conversation.

"And maybe you'll find her" she knew he would never stop looking.

"Maybe" he let a wry grin pass over his face "if she wants to be found"

"Wills knows how to find him. She'll be able to tell you where he lives" he knew it wasn't much but that it smacked of irony that he was the one that told her about Angel.

Her gaze dropped to the wood paneled floor that lined the entire store "and what if I don't want to see him?"

"Then don't ask Willow for the address"

--- ---

"I'm a little scared," Willow finally admitted to her lover "When I first met you I was still really upset over Oz leaving, but by that stage I never expected Buffy to come back. Up until yesterday morning I never thought I'd see her again. It had been such a long time"

Willow leaned back into Tara's embrace the two of them sitting in the window seat of their shared dorm room looking out over the late semester going ons of University of California Sunnydale Campus.

"I don't know about the others but" She shook her head slightly as though trying to re-scramble the thoughts into some semblance of order "but I don't think that I really need her in my life anymore. I've moved on. The lady who came with her said that she needed closure and that maybe I did to. She was right but just knowing she's alive is closure enough. I don't need to know about what she was doing, where she's been. I don't want to hear about why she all of a sudden decided to come back."

"She's alive and that's enough for me."

Tara wrapped her arms around the red head a little tighter "maybe that's a good thing sweetie, maybe that's a good thing."

--- ---

Giles stood at the front door of Joyce Summers home. He wasn't exactly sure what he was doing here, but then it was just like every other time he had turned up on Joyce's doorstep in that last few years. It had started after they had both eaten some questionable chocolate. Even though the relationship was not sexual, well not after that one encounter on the hood of a police car. Okay so it was twice.

They had become friends, confidants. Between the two of them they had managed to somehow keep each other sane, in a way the two of them had taken over as the major parental figures for Buffy's friends. It had been hard at first, especially for Joyce when the night after the Hansel and Gretel fiasco an almost hysterical Willow had shown up at her doorstep.

__

Sunnydale California

November 1998

The 17 year old red head stood at the front door of 1630 Revello drive nervously. She didn't even think she should be here but

Where else could she go?

Raising her hand she knocked tentatively on the wooden door. Her sub-conscious hoping that if she knocked quietly enough Mrs Summers wouldn't hear and she could tell herself that she tried and walk away.

However when the door opened the girl jumped visibly and she realised that she would need to say something, give a reason for showing up on Joyce Summers' doorstep at 10 o'clock at night. However when she saw Joyce standing there Willow's mind went totally blank.

"Willow?"

Willow's eyes filled up with tears as Joyce pulled her into a warm embrace.

After that night it seemed that all four of the teenagers went to Joyce whenever they were in need of of he guessed you could say a parent, but none of them ever stayed for long, an hour at most.

Time enough for a hot chocolate and the occasional hug.

Giles knew that he was welcome whenever, that he needn't knock or ring the bell for admission but he still did out of a sense of propriety that had been instilled at him at a young age and had never actually left. Raising his hand Giles knocked on the solid wood of the front door of Joyce Summers home and waited for the front door to open.

When the door hadn't been opened a few minutes later he looked over his shoulder, yes the Jeep was there so Joyce couldn't have gone anywhere, walking round to the side of the house he could hear a faint voice in the backyard. Not sure whom it was he kept his steps slow and quiet not wanting to alert them to his presence just yet. The closer he got the clearer the voice got until he could make out words.

"I spoke with Alex last night"

Silence

"Yeah we'll be there"

Another pause

"I don't know for sure but we might be bringing someone else with us do you mind?"

Giles stepped around the wall to see Detective Olivia Benson sitting on the back step talking on her cell phone, seemingly unaware of her audience. He watched and waited as the Detective continued on in her conversation. He took the time to study her, by her body language he could see that she was someone who was in generally in tune with her body and her surroundings but was slightly uncomfortable with her current situation. The tone of voice she was using and the words the she was speaking suggested that the person on the other end of the phone was someone she was familiar with, a work mate or family friend perhaps?

It still puzzled him slightly, by what he had gathered, why would this woman be willing to travel all the way across the country with someone she barely knew? From the sounds of it Buffy had saved her life fairly recently but still that didn't seem quite reason enough.

In all his thoughts he hadn't noticed that Olivia had finished her conversation and hung up the phone and was now watching him with open curiosity.

"Mr Giles?"

He focused on her the instant she said his name.

"I take it you're looking for Mrs Summers, she said she was just going to go upstairs for a minute. She should be back down by now"

He didn't speak just yet but continued to regard her silently almost to the point where Olivia felt as though she was being interrogated.

It made her extremely uncomfortable. Usually it was the other way around.

"Whatever you want to ask me go ahead. I have no ulterior motive for being here other than wanting to give Buffy some kind of closure so that she can move on with her life."

"Ah" Giles nodded slightly "and where might that life be?"

Nodding her head in understanding Olivia shuffled over slightly and patted the step beside her indicating that Giles could sit next to her should he chose to. Relaxing slightly Giles closed the remaining distance between them and lowered himself down onto the step next to the brunette Detective.

Olivia sat and watched as the sunlight danced through the leaves just out of her reach. Never quite touching her and wondered if this was how some people felt all their lives. Always watching the sun but never quite making it out to bask in it. Always on the outside of the light, watching waiting scared to take that final step.

Maybe that was how Buffy had felt? Since that fateful night in a darkened cemetery when an old English man had show Buffy her destiny, she had never been the same. As hard as she had tried since then she had always been on the outside. Watching the normal' have their lives, their boyfriends and girlfriends. Going to the movies, doing normal stuff.

__

I would love to be up in my room right now, watching TV, talking about boys or God even studying.

Even now after 6 years later she was still on the outside looking in. Only now it was self-imposed, she wouldn't let herself go out into the sun.

Or would she?

Turning to face the older Englishman Olivia crinkled her nose slightly.

"If you want to know exactly what she's been up to or what her plans are now I honestly can't tell you because I simply don't know"

Pulling his glasses off his nose and shuffling slightly Giles reached into his pocket for the ever present handkerchief that he used to clean them. Grinning slightly once they were clean and back on his face Giles looked at Olivia out of the corner of his eyes.

"Ah. In fact I was originally going to ask exactly why you were here?"

Taken aback slightly by the frankness of his question Olivia took a few moments to gather her thoughts she sighed.

"The first time I met her I saw this closed off young woman who was doing her best not to let any emotion whatsoever through. Buffy, well she was going by Anne at that stage wanted nothing more than to go and hide again would do anything as long as she wasn't found, but something changed. A week and a half later the scared young woman who had found the body of a teenager was gone and in her place was I guess you would call her a warrior, I'm not sure exactly what she was but she was different. I don't pretend to understand what happened to her or to any of you but I saw a lost child who needed to go home to Mommy. Even if it's only for a few days, she needed to come back and chase away the old demons before she could truly move on with her life."

Olivia turned her head to face him.

"And I knew that whoever she had left behind would need to move on with theirs as well."

Olivia leaned back slightly and rested her elbows on the top step of the porch.

"If she does come back to New York I promise I won't let her hide again"


	6. Chapter 6

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AN: None of the places Buffy went to were randomly pulled off a map or anything like that. In 2002 I spent some time in the USA (I'm an Aussie girl) and they are all places I either stopped at or visited. I spent the majority of my time in Traverse City Michigan (which is mentioned in this chapter) and trust me when I say that even in Summer Lake Michigan is freezing cold.

Quote 6, what c an I say I have a large repetoir

"I am the Walrus koo koo ka choo" I am the Walrus — The Beatles

Chapter 6

I will never know

Myself until I do this on my own

And I will never feel

Anything else until my wounds are healed

I will never be

Anything 'til I break away from me

And I will break away

I'll find myself today

Somewhere I belong — Linkin Park

There was something almost therapeutic about wandering through the cemetery at night. No matter how morose it may be, for Buffy it almost felt like she was coming home. Here inside the Restfield Cemetery in the dead of night was where in Sunnydale she felt most comfortable.

The irony of it was not lost on her. Neither were the sound of almost silent footfalls a hundred meters or so to her left. Either a fledgling had newly arisen or Faith was on patrol. It could have been either but it didn't really make a difference to Buffy.

She turned and walked away from them. Not willing to face anyone at this stage, there was something she needed to do, and she needed to do it alone.

People ignored her as she wandered slowly along the darkened streets of the Californian town. No one stopped her and no one seemed to recognise her. It had been six years after all and while it seemed that the outside world had kept turning and changing, to her Sunnydale had not, and probably wouldn't any time soon.

A world of possibilities and she was back here.

She wondered what would have happened if she had come back all those years ago, or even if she had never left in the first place. Would she still be alive? Would she still be with Angel or would he have left even then?

Would she still have felt herself freezing from the inside out.

__

Traverse City, Michigan

June 1999

The winds whipping in off the Great Lake Michigan were frigid as Anne sat on the shoreline not caring about the cold that was cutting into her like a knife. Her days were the same as just about any other day she had existed in over the last year. She went to work at the café every morning, stayed the entire day working double shifts because she was the only one willing to do it.

She didn't mind because it meant that she didn't have to think. It meant she didn't have to feel.

A year ago today Whistler had stood behind her on a beach in Los Angeles and told her that she would fight again. Well she was waiting. When was it going to start? Where was the person or being that was going to tell her that it was time?

There was no one. No one that cared whether she fought or not. Whether she died or not. Not even she cared anymore. She knew that the life she was leading was no way to live, it wasn't really living though was it. It was more akin to existing. She had her work and her thoughts, but that was all. She didn't think she even had feelings anymore, but that didn't really matter.

If you had feelings then people could use them against you.

No one would use her. Not again, not the way that he had, and to some extent that the rest of them had.

Even now in summer it was cool, but that didn't stop the kids that were down the beach partying. Who they were she didn't care, but she could have been one of them, she was almost tempted to join them. See what it was like, partying on the beach, not a care in the world but she didn't.

Lying back to stare up at the cloudless sky innumerable stars winked back at her.

She wondered.

Maybe it was time; maybe she could be one of those people who did it, who succeeded against all odds. It wouldn't be hard, she was eighteen now and didn't need a parent or guardians permission to enroll in a new school.

She could start again, from the beginning.

But first she needed to get out of this town. It was just to damn cold for her.

Her next stop after Traverse City had been Annapolis Maryland. She liked Maryland and had been there a little the year before. It had seemed as good a place as any to start over. Slowly over the next year as she worked towards her high school diploma at night school she began to unfreeze, she let herself start to feel again, not that any human could see the difference, but she could feel it.

Anne Summers had begun to take some joy in life again. It was easier this time though. She hadn't had a Watcher breathing down her neck to fulfill her sacred duties'. No Vampires for her to slay or demons to defeat, she hadn't let anyone get close enough to be considered a friend. Her Parents weren't there to question her about every little thing she did but that was the one thing she had missed.

Her Mom.

And now here she was, Buffy Summers back in Sunnydale. She had considered coming back but the longer she stayed away the harder it had gotten for her to even consider coming back.

Her thoughts were cut off abruptly as Buffy reached her destination. Not that she really wanted to come here but she knew that she needed to.

The Crawford Street Mansion

She stood there in the dark, not even a street lamp to guide her way, but she knew it was still empty. No one would be willing to live in it for many years to come. It could never be a home for even 6 years ago the feeling of death had permeated the entire building. When she had finally allowed herself to dwell on the events of that morning she could remember the shiver that had made its way through her entire body as she entered the Mansion. Even now she wanted to spend as little time as possible here.

Unbidden her legs moved to carry her forward towards the front door of the mansion. She reached out to pull the door open and her body slid through as small an opening as possible.

Taking in her surroundings she couldn't see all that much of what was left of the mansion, but what her eyes couldn't see her memory filled in. Walking further inside the memories seemed almost tangible. The clang of swords, the sound of a car bursting through wood and metal, the smell of blood.

The sense of doom.

His words came back to her with almost painful clarity as she dropped to her knees right in the spot she had run him through with a sword over 6 years earlier.

__

"No friends, no weapon, no hope" he swung the sword almost carelessly in her direction as he took slow yet purposeful steps towards her.

She closed her eyes knowing that this was her ending. Knowing that she was going to die any second now and the rest of the world would follow soon afterwards.

"Take away all that and what's left"

She could feel the sun on her face. Maybe it was the last time she would ever feel the sun. After all she had failed hadn't she?

What's left?' the question repeated itself in her mind. She could feel her heat beat slowing down, her hands clench into fists and then relax again, the ache of her muscles as they tried to recover from the constant abuse of the last 12 hours.

HER

Her eyes whipped open just as the sword started it's descent towards her head. Without even having to think about it her hands moved to clamp the thin blade between them in order to stop is descent.

"Me!"

She had believed him, when he said that she had no one left. Why? She didn't know but at the time she did.

In the dank silence of the abandoned mansion a sob echoed out from the diminutive blond who was currently the only occupant of the building.

Moments later another, followed by another as her sobs wracked her entire body. She rocked back and forth hugging herself as she allowed the emotions to run free.

She didn't hear footsteps closing in on her, nor had she heard the door admitting another person only moments before, but she felt Willows arms wrap around her and hold her tight as she cried for everything she had lost.

Friends

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21st December 2004

Buffy sat and looked silently out the window as Olivia steered the car past the Now Leaving Sunnydale' sign and away from Sunnydale. She was going back to New York, Buffy knew that she didn't belong in Sunnydale anymore. New York was her home now, but that didn't mean she couldn't come back for a visit or that they couldn't visit her.

Her Mom had already organised to fly over for New Years Eve. Allowing a bittersweet smile to grace her features Buffy sat back and relaxed she had two hours before Olivia turned the driving over to her, and they ultimately had a long trip ahead of them. Now that she was fully healed she could drive for more than an hour at a time and had naturally more stamina than the detective did.

Olivia spared a quick glance at Buffy not willing to take her eyes off the road for a longer amount of time.

"So, what are your plans for the Christmas Dinner?"

"Don't have any yet" Buffy shuffled down slightly to get more comfortable. "Why?"

"I believe there's a meal with your name on it at the Stabler's. You interested?"

Buffy smiled as she remembered Olivia telling her about her Partner and his family on the trip out to California.

They sounded like the quintessential American family.

"Sure why not. If I'm going to do this thing called living what better place to start"

Buffy let her eyes drift to the scenery rushing by and smiled to herself.

She'd found home.

The End.

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End AN: and that's all I have to say about that.

Dude what a ride, I can honestly say that this is the hardest story I've ever had to write. To all my readers and reviewers a ginormous thank you. My beta Alex once again you rock I have no idea how I would have done this without you.

If your interested I'm starting work on a third instalment of the Falling' and well I guess you would call it a series now. I don't know when I'll start posting, I actually need to start writing it first and hope to be starting it ASAP depends on how RL pans out.


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